Failure

I’m a total failure at most everything I’ve done. Are you a failure?

I listened to a great lady speak this morning about how she’s felt like a failure most of her life. I can totally relate.

I got fired from my last job. Failure. I’m not paying half our household bills, failure. I didn’t finish my Master’s degree. Failure. My boyfriends in college wouldn’t commit. Failure. My grades went downhill in high school. Failure. I got cut from sports teams. Failure. I didn’t get in to the science program or the writing program I applied to when I was younger. Failure. I didn’t get the promotion I wanted. Failure. I could go on. I’m in this awesome Beachbody team and the majority of my friends think this is a dumb pyramid scheme. Failure. And they think that these workouts I do at home are dumb and you have to go to the gym to workout. Failure.

One last one. I haven’t lost as much weight as I have wanted. For all the work I do, I should be at goal already, right? I’m a failure.

Yeah, sure I have had some setbacks. And sure, sometimes I feel a little like a fraudulent health coach since I’m doing all the actions and yet, I’m not a shining beacon of accomplishment.

But Chelsea said something this morning that stuck with me. Failures are bruises, not tattoos.

Any failure I’ve had in the past lead to me here in this moment. And I’m someone who likes where I am now. Things happen in life and I know that there’s failure to come, but I’m sure there is some success in there for me, too

Failure

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Tiny triathlon

This week is going to be super hot, again, here in Southern California.  I don’t know what to say.  Yes, we are whining about something the rest of the world deals with quite well.  But personally, I am not acclimated for this amount of unending heat and humidity.  It’s getting to the point it doesn’t really cool down at night anymore.  Ridiculous.

Oh yeah, and we never fixed our heat and A/C when we bought our place.  So, we have none of those options.

Tomorrow we are going down to the beach for some fun time in the surf!  It’s aqua jogging time!  Practicing transitions!  Dolphin dives.  I don’t think it will really count as “open water” as we are unlikely to get past the breakers, but it’s another step, yeah?

Truly, the only thing I don’t love about this workout is the sand. It really does get everywhere.  And I feel it on my feet and it bugs the crap out of me.

Today we did another tiny triathlon in the comforts of the training facility of the clubhouse.  All air conditioned.  We ran against bungie cords in a harness, “swam” by kicking while on a stability ball, and biked on the Spin Bike.  3 rounds of THAT was fun enough.  I like the tiny triathlon days because it makes me remember my goal.  The goal is kind of ephemeral right now, but I think with every day it’s going to get clearer from here on out.

Laurie Bolt

Celebrating the Worst Because it Became the Best.

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Tonight I’m celebrating the loss of my job 5 years ago. *Technically* the anniversary is tomorrow. The day before the axe came down I knew it was coming because my coworkers saw my job advertised on Craigslist.

The best part of that particular job was the friends I made. I enjoyed my work, but I looked forward to saying hello to the people, not the flasks of cells. (Cells don’t have much to say.) Solving problems was a thrill. Finding ways to bring forgotten cell lines back to life were my specialty and I was acknowledged for it. (This may have included singing to them.) Those parts of the job made me feel proud and needed.

Losing that job was devastating. It felt very personal. Even though I was told I was not doing enough, I ended up being replaced by 3 people. While it felt good to know that it took those 3 people to replace me, I entered into a very dark period. I realized some of it as it happened, but it was an insidious blanket thrown over my life and my dreams.

Science was how I identified myself, even when I had non-science jobs in between gigs. With this dismissal I literally lost who I thought I was; my identity. The subsequent job hunt was quite possibly more depressing. Constant striving, working, switching things up, and getting rejection back. Job hunting is a lot like dating.

I’m celebrating losing that job today because it was not the right gig for me. I knew it when I took it but I stayed and made the best of it.

A little less than a year ago I became a Fitness and Health Coach. I did it for myself and for the discount. Yes, sometimes it IS about the money. I was finally ready to make my health the #1 priority in my life. Throwing myself in to a fitness community is what I needed to do. The accountability and the community was the piece missing for me.

I didn’t expect to feel so fulfilled by helping others with their own health goals. When my friend from grad school messaged me that she lost her first 6lb, it was better than any of my own weigh ins. I definitely didn’t expect to find my team to be such a source of inspiration, yet every day I come in to my Facebook group to find more love and positivity that I imagined was out there. I am becoming the leader I have always wanted to be. Realizing that I was holding myself back by viewing my impact and my life as limited has been powerful. Now, I’m growing a team of people who, like me, are ready to show the world that they can make a difference.

I am definitely happier working toward my own goals. I want to help as many people as possible feel positive and find their best selves. Being unhappy with your physical self and listening to negative self-talk is no way to live a happy life. I’m on my way and I know there are so many people who need the same inspiration as I’ve received. The gratification outshines being a small cog in a project that could maybe lead to changing lives in the future, if our work is correct, and if a company finds it feasible to invest in. I invest in myself. I invest in the people around me. It feels great to become healthy in mind and body, to share my experience, and to help others reach their own dreams.

Catch-22 Pounds

One of the things I keep being the most surprised about as I continue to change my life and my habits is that it pretty much impacts my relationships with everyone.

I really thought this was all about me, and if it was a relationship thing – it was my relationship with myself or my relationship with food.  I’m now seeing that the whole book I thought I had written was erased and I’m starting over.  My friends and family are still my friends and family, but there is a definite shift.

I thought once I lost some weight and was more confident, I’d be more social.  After all, I have new clothes to show off, right?  Not exactly.

Progress

It started out that I had to tell friends “no” when it came to Happy Hours.  I was working out with my Boot Camp, or I was just leaving Boot Camp and smelled terrible.  Or sometimes it was that I wasn’t drinking anymore.  Sometimes I was just too tired to drag my ass to a bar!  But I wanted to hang out with my friends.  I tried to make things work when I could.  I had a lot of guilt around it.  But I have to tell you, they were all pretty awesome.  Whenever I would try to apologize for being MIA they wouldn’t hear of it.

Another weird thing, that’s related, is people are just ridiculously proud of me.  From people I knew in Kindergarten, to people I’ve known for a couple of months – I keep getting compliments.  I’m learning how to take them a little better, but it’s still pretty weird for me.  And my gorgeous friends?  They tell me that I INSPIRE THEM.  Which still just makes my head spin because I can’t imagine how that works, but I’ll take it because it’s just pretty darn cool.

So who do I hang out with?  I have a new group of people in my life.  New friends who all work out with me, or near me, or beside me, whatever.  I have my whole Beachbody Team, my upline, my Facebook friends, people I met at Summit.  If I need someone to hike with or vent to, I have plenty of options I didn’t have a year ago.  I also now train with this guy.  He’s a Nurse and a Marine, and he has me doing insane things that I never would have done before.  He has a great way to push me and get me out of my comfort zone, but at the same time, I know I’m well taken care of.  He and his wife and kids have become yet another West Coast family to me.  And now he’s letting my intern with him 3 days a week while I try to make health and fitness the center of my world. 

I’m still very happily married, but my relationship with my husband has changed and is changing all the time with this.  Luckily for me, he’s also very interested in fitness and health.  He understands the workouts and the early morning wake ups.  Unfortunately what he doesn’t always understand is how my time and energy get diverted away from things that need to be done.  When I have a high volume week of workouts, that can mean 6 workouts a day starting at  5 AM.  I pretty much have to spend the week before preparing my LIFE to be on total hold.  All household chores pretty much stop once those workouts start.  So if there’s laundry to be done, too bad.  If there’s dishes to be washed, better get plastic.  Need to make an appointment?  Better block out some time of your day, I won’t have any.  I barely cook.  I workout, eat and sleep.  Repeat as many times as necessary.  That has taken a huge toll out of our symbiosis, and has been the source of many fights.  It doesn’t help that when I’m tired and calorie deprived I’m not exactly a reasonable person.

I’m still trying to figure this all out.  How I can still be a good friend and partner and have my workouts, too.  Some friendships may be slightly on pause since there isn’t as much going out to dinner.  Maybe I’ll continue to get more people on the road to fitness along with me.  But either way, this is something I’m doing for myself, and that’s the most important relationship of all.