I’ve had a pretty rough couple of weeks. I’ve mentally felt pretty damn terrible. It isn’t the way I normally feel nowadays, so it was very strange. But, it kicked me hard and it felt nearly impossible to get out of.
There are reasons for sure. I had a few arguments with my partner. I was frustrated that the large goals I had set for myself and my business weren’t really working out. I had no momentum going. I am in month 4 of being off the Pill. I had finished up 21 days of restrictive eating. I wasn’t getting shit done, and I knew it. I had taken a long, harsh look at some things that are very important in my life and I entertained the thoughts that they may not be what I had thought they were.
I have dysthymia. I was probably born with it. I live with it everyday. Basically, dysthymia is chronic depression. My normal state is like Eeyore, I guess you could say. I cultivate a very careful positive bubble around myself to protect me. Sometimes that bubble is a little Pollyannaish. Sometimes that works, and some times it doesn’t. Instead of denying, I let myself feel a little bit of the sting. It sucked me down a little bit.
This is what I learned this time around: I was in a hole. There actually is no getting out of the hole that is dysthymia. I’m going to have to live with this for the rest of my life. I’m always going to climbing, I’ll probably never see the real top. The measures I take to dig out are important. I will always have to be the one climbing. I can use tools, like medication, therapy, positivity, environment to make things a little better. But these won’t be solutions, just safety measures in case I start to fall. I won’t fall as far. I can have as many safety lines as possible, but I’ll always be doing the work.
So, this is also an apology for the people I picked fights with these last few weeks. The people I ignored. The people I hid from. The people I obviously lied to when I said I was fine. The people I turned away from when I felt like the tears started to well up. This is a thank you for the people who let me randomly text them and vent. The friends that took my phone calls. The people who dished out a serving of REAL. Maybe the past few weeks happened because of dysthymia and circumstances, but in the end, it was the way I reacted to things that made them suck. Understanding of the big picture is going to help me get better at dealing with these little drops. They are going to happen. Life happens. Shit happens. I just have to make sure I can still climb upward despite everything.