Needy

I see a therapist.  She’s fantastic.  I’m not the least bit embarrassed by that.  I usually don’t mention it more often because it makes OTHER people more uncomfortable to hear it, but honestly, I’m not going to break.  A little over a year ago I started seeing her again regularly and it’s been a life line for me.  Sometimes I can clearly see where my depression is taking me and I can take steps to stop myself from going there.  Other times I need some direction.

I can’t do it all alone.  I’m not a superhero.  Plus, I bet superheroes would have therapists.

My session today was basically 50 min of me telling her all the things that happened over the past 2 weeks.  I have some very GOOD news, more on that in another post.  But I had a lot of bad things to talk about.  I’ve had a lot of struggles that, even though I identify them, they keep fucking with me anyway.  For maybe the last 2 minutes of the session she was able to summarize what all this crap was about that I couldn’t seem to stop from killing my mojo.

I’m not connecting with the people I care about and it’s hurting me.

I miss some of the people in my life incredibly badly.  It scratches my soul.  Maybe I see people, but I’m not connecting the way that I need to.  I’m reluctant to always go out of my way and talk to the important people in my life when things are dark and broody.  There are maybe 3 people I know I can go to.  Unfortunately a couple of those are very difficult to get a live line to sometimes.

Life moves fast, and I acknowledge that I’m not the center of the universe. (Sadly.)  People’s life changes happen INDEPENDENT of my wants and needs.  It doesn’t mean I don’t want to be in the loop, and it certainly doesn’t mean I don’t care.  I do.  Even when something GOOD for someone else is a negative thing for me, I want to cheer with them, cry with them and to just KNOW.

I’m not a difficult person to love.  And I love to go deep with people about their stuff.  When I am comfortable, I have no problem going deep with my own.

I’m not just an extrovert who needs to be around people.  I’m not just a needy person who wants to be the life of the party or the loudest person in the room.  I’m a human who craves connection, and I’m not getting enough of it.

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