I see a therapist. She’s fantastic. I’m not the least bit embarrassed by that. I usually don’t mention it more often because it makes OTHER people more uncomfortable to hear it, but honestly, I’m not going to break. A little over a year ago I started seeing her again regularly and it’s been a life line for me. Sometimes I can clearly see where my depression is taking me and I can take steps to stop myself from going there. Other times I need some direction.
I can’t do it all alone. I’m not a superhero. Plus, I bet superheroes would have therapists.
My session today was basically 50 min of me telling her all the things that happened over the past 2 weeks. I have some very GOOD news, more on that in another post. But I had a lot of bad things to talk about. I’ve had a lot of struggles that, even though I identify them, they keep fucking with me anyway. For maybe the last 2 minutes of the session she was able to summarize what all this crap was about that I couldn’t seem to stop from killing my mojo.
I’m not connecting with the people I care about and it’s hurting me.
I miss some of the people in my life incredibly badly. It scratches my soul. Maybe I see people, but I’m not connecting the way that I need to. I’m reluctant to always go out of my way and talk to the important people in my life when things are dark and broody. There are maybe 3 people I know I can go to. Unfortunately a couple of those are very difficult to get a live line to sometimes.
Life moves fast, and I acknowledge that I’m not the center of the universe. (Sadly.) People’s life changes happen INDEPENDENT of my wants and needs. It doesn’t mean I don’t want to be in the loop, and it certainly doesn’t mean I don’t care. I do. Even when something GOOD for someone else is a negative thing for me, I want to cheer with them, cry with them and to just KNOW.
I’m not a difficult person to love. And I love to go deep with people about their stuff. When I am comfortable, I have no problem going deep with my own.
I’m not just an extrovert who needs to be around people. I’m not just a needy person who wants to be the life of the party or the loudest person in the room. I’m a human who craves connection, and I’m not getting enough of it.