Once in awhile I get stuck in “The Wallows.” I usually come out of it just fine, but whether it is hormones, the phase of the moon, the length of the days, I can count on it making a brief cameo or an extended contract appearance in the normal sunshine and rainbows I try to cultivate.
(And instead of banishing The Wallows, I’ve decided to let it happen, confront it and learn from it.)
The latest installment on The Wallows has been a pretty typical one for me. My friends. My relationships. And usually the song is “No One Likes You Anymore.”
I’ve seen through this one a little bit.
Three years ago I started learning more about how to be a effective Beachbody Coach. The training includes a ton of personal development exercises and honestly, really just kicks off a lot of development that never actually ends. But, trust me, it’s a good thing. One of the exercises was to identify the Top 5 people you spend time with in your life. Why? Because you are the average of the Top 5 people you spend your time with. The Top 5 people you give energy and attention to. We were challenged to consider if those Top 5 people were good, positive influences that would support you in your life, and if they would help you become a success. I easily identified my Top 5. My Top 5 people were people that I freaking loved, and they loved me. And I knew that it would never change.
It did change. Of course it changed. That’s what happens. My Top 5 in 2014 are not my Top 5 in 2017. Three years of stuff and change and experiences have happened for me and for each of them. The problem was part of my brain was holding on to the dearly departed members of my Top 5 squad. I have a massive fear of loss. And I attributed the perceived loss to being my fault.
Members of my former Top 5 were people who are great friends, but did not share my enthusiasm for my Beachbody business. In fact, I think my ridiculous enthusiasm was very off putting to them. Which made me feel like crap because, why weren’t they supporting me as blindly as I expected them to? They just weren’t. And what I see now is, that’s totally okay. No one is required to buy into your dreams. And if you can’t convince them, it doesn’t mean you didn’t do a good job and it doesn’t mean your dreams don’t matter.
I made a few really lame attempts to talk to a few of my friends about my big dreams and my love for what I was doing, but honestly, I was scared to hear anything negative and my idea of a big heart to heart basically was a couple of mumbled sentences and change of subject.
Honestly, I don’t know what I expected from them. Maybe I wanted them to listen to me, enraptured and join my team of coaches and go full on Beachbody blue. My dreams aren’t everyone else’s. My interests aren’t universal. And I’m starting to be OK with that. Really I am.
These friends were easy targets for The Wallows. I’ll give you a taste of the kind of things my unfriendly voices would say. “They don’t believe in you.” “No one believes in you.” “You are a joke.” “You’ll never be a success.” “This is a scam.” “Your business cost you your friends.” “They think you are dumb.”
I’m a fierce friend. I’m the kind of person who is almost a Stage 4 clinger. I love you hard. I love you without reserve. But not everyone is like me. And sadly, people I loved stopped showing up for me.
I stopped being sad about it because I realized that even if people don’t show up for you, it’s not because they don’t love you. It just means that you aren’t their priority right now. That’s not a judgment, that’s life. Things and people are more important at different times because no one has the bandwidth for it all.
Without realizing it, I created a new Top 5. I created a new Top 10. Last year I wanted some help with my goals and accountability. I wanted people to talk to honestly, and I wanted to get new opinions. I created a group of women for that mutual support. It has been fantastic for all of us. That’s the kind of support I had been craving. I think they were, too.
I’m sure The Wallows will still prick me from time to time when I see people on social media hanging out together doing fun things without me, but I am reminding myself with this post and going forward that I have everything I need to be successful and happy. And I wish everyone else the best, too.