It’s Just a Flesh Wound.

You don't really want to see it uncovered.

You don’t really want to see it uncovered.

Thursday I, once again, cut my thumb on the mandolin. Dumb move. This is the third time. It still hurts. No carrot slice is worth flesh.

The cut is on the side of my thumb and it’s very inconvenient. I feel happy that I don’t have contacts to take out anymore because that would be very difficult. I managed to still put my soup together slowly with the cut but it made it hard.

Once upon a time I also broke my right arm and got it cast in a very awkward position (think C3PO). I couldn’t drive, put my hair in a ponytail, take off my bra. And just like now with this thumb thing? It made wiping my ass annoying. 

I’m right handed. I do things with both hands together but I rely on that right hand for most everything. Things can be done with my left hand. It just takes longer and feels strange, for awhile anyway.

I recall getting better at eating with my left hand (except chopsticks), having legible penmanship left handed after awhile, even figuring out contacts during my 8 weeks in a cast. I know that all the little movements my thumb helps with are going to get compensated for and in a couple weeks this will be scarred over and filled in.

This is a good lesson for me that shit happens to make things inconvenient. And getting a cut on the thumb may seem like a big annoyance but in the grand scheme of things? This is a drop in the bucket. Since I’ve done this 3 times now maybe I’ll hold on to what I can learn.

⚙There’s always other ways to do stuff.
⚙It might take longer but it will get done.
⚙Muscle memory is constantly created.
⚙Porcelain is sharp.
⚙Keep it clean, keep it covered is a decent mantra.
⚙Be grateful for every part of your body and how it works together.
⚙If it doesn’t work together so well, you’ll figure it out.
⚙You can’t rush healing.
⚙Normal is always changing, you are always adjusting to your current state.

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Mistakes, I’ve Made a Few…

Do you ever find that your strengths can also be your weakness?

I’m still playing with the concept in my brain but I’ve made a realization. I’ve always been a little too obsessed with mistakes. My mistakes – figuring out where I went wrong and course correcting. Other people’s mistakes. Wow, am I good at pointing out mistakes other people make. (Sorry!)

I’m a great editor. You want any written piece checked for grammar, fonts, spacing, spelling, relative color of ink? I‘m your girl. Those “find the differences” puzzles – they are toast around me. I’ll tell you all the goofs in the movie. I could recognize when my Walkman battery was low and my cassette tapes were playing a little slow.

This is a skill that has served me SO well, but it’s also been a huge energy drain. Honestly, unless it’s your resume, or something really important – who freaking cares? It’s not as important as CREATING. And that’s really what I love to do. So why tear down when I can be building?

Maybe I’m always looking for mistakes because I always feel like I am wrong. If I can find a mistake in something else – maybe it isn’t me.

Okay, that’s a pretty big thought for a Monday night! Well, don’t worry, it actually was the result of spending from Friday night at 6 PM until last night at 8 PM in an intense personal development course. Being a Beachbody Coach pushes me out of my comfort zone. Well, I followed in the footsteps of a lot of the coaches on my team by doing this work and I’m turning a corner.

The Universe is always creating and destroying. Catabolism and Anabolism go together. Pointing out and searching for mistakes – it can be super important in the right situation, but it’s a form of destruction. It’s necessary sometimes but it’s also the easy way out of a lot of problems.

I’m choosing to be on the other end of the balance for awhile. I’m going to CONSTRUCT.

Let's build something awesome.

Let’s build something awesome.

Progress Photos are Scary!

**This post actually came from my Facebook page.  I can’t freaking believe I put this photo on there, on here, heck, I even sent it to an ex-boyfriend.  Why?  Because I’m not hiding.  I’m DOING this.  I’m a normal person and I’ve got normal person feelings.  So someone else who is a normal person with normal person feelings needs to know he is not alone.**

The first time I joined a challenge group here on Facebook, my coach Jamie wanted me to send her before photos. I immediately got a lump in my throat. I didn’t want to take photos and I certainly didn’t want to share them with someone I’ve never met.

I mean, let’s get real, we only post the best of the best photos of ourselves when it means other people can see it. We know the angles, we know the lighting, we know the filters. And when you’re struggling with your weight and you finally decide to take a risk and try something new, there’s just so much “new” you can take.

But I took my before photos and I sent them to her. And I’ve sent her photos since then. And I’ve taken some for myself and kept them on folders in my computer I never visit.

I revisited them today at her suggestion. She provided me with a 2014 photo – not even the start of my Beachbody story. The other photo is last week. I still have a long way to go but I’m so grateful for the road it has taken to get here so far.

January 2014 - September 2015

January 2014 – September 2015

So take your before photos. Get your significant other or best friend to take photos of you in workout clothes. You don’t have to obsess over them, tuck them away in a folder, send them to your coach. (I’d love to be your coach!) And when you’re ready to see how far you’ve come, bring them back out into the light.

Oh yeah – and if you turn in your before and after photos, along with a Beachbody program completion, you get a t-shirt and can win $1000.

Speed bumps happen to the best of us.

I’m at home in Maine for awhile.  All in all, this trip is lasting 3 weeks.  It’s been really hard at times to live across the country from friends, family, and where I grew up.  I’m more and more of a Californian every day, but I am still a Maine girl.  Definitely one of the biggest reasons that I am a Beachbody Coach is so that I can have the flexibility to be somewhere other than home in San Diego and still do my job.  My parents are getting older.  My friends have kids I want to know.  Social media lets us maintain relationships with people we knew in our pasts that we want to keep building.

Heading up for a walk.

Heading up for a walk.

I thought I prepared so well for this trip.  I packed plenty of clothes (probably too many).  I brought stuff to work out in. I brought a bunch of Beachbody program DVDs.  I brought tons of Shakeology.  I brought the new Beachbody Performance sample pack.  I fully intended to do my business from wherever I was.

Guess what?  $hit happens. I haven’t been on the ball.  I’ve managed some great walks and I’ve been to spin classes, but I haven’t been able to work my program remotely.  If it’s not a DVD player that isn’t hooked up, it’s a TV that’s in constant use for crime dramas.  These speed bumps don’t add up to much more than excuses and yet here they are.

Without getting in to much detail, there’s been some pretty heavy stuff going on with my family.  I’m dealing with it as best I can, but I have found myself sliding back into some dark places and some bad habits.  My disordered eating has been scratching at my brain.  It’s a comforting way to deal with stressors.  Only, it’s not that comforting. I see the patterns starting to form and this has been the first day I’ve been able to successfully pull the brakes on it.  No doubt, by telling 2 people close to me about it, separately, it made it real and it made my brain wake up a little.

I can only change what’s happening now and I can only try my best and set myself up for good things down the road.  I think that it means, I need to leave my time with my parents and get to a more neutral space where I can map out my own plan for the rest of my time here.  I need to not fall apart.

I accept, whole heartedly, than I am not perfect.  This isn’t any more than most people handle.  I can do this. I just have to remind myself of it and get on the right track.

My number one priority in life is my health.  MY HEALTH. I need to serve that priority in everything I do.

Being Relentless

“Relentless.”

A friend I’ve known for the last 18 years described me as relentless a while back.  I felt like it was an incredibly flattering compliment, but in the back of my mind I felt like it was false.  Because I’m a quitter.

It’s easy to get obsessed with all the wrong turns you’ve taken and all the projects you didn’t finish.  And that’s what I pretty much equated my definition of success to.  Many times I’ve done the wrong thing and I’ve abandoned things I really wanted to work.  I can find examples in my personal life, in my professional career, in my education.  But the worst of it is how many times I’ve let myself down.

We’ve all heard about S.M.A.R.T. goals.  I know, it’s not sexy. But when I have goals, they are usually not SMART in any sense.  They are vague and intangible and things I don’t have a lot of planning sunk in to.  Just little, “wouldn’t it be nice” thoughts.  Well, of course I’m not going to be able to finish that shit!  I have no idea what it even is.

Also – I’m scared to death of letting myself down.  That’s ironic considering how much I’ve actually done it.  So scratch that – I think I’m actually scared of getting success.  Why? Because I probably feel like I don’t deserve it.

At this point, I need to take my own advice and become my own best friend, my own coach, my own cheerleader.  Of course I deserve it.  I deserve to chase every goal and grab it with both hands.  My top 3 pursuits in the past year have been:

1. Be happy.

2. Lose weight.

3. Make an income.

Admirable, vague, and really shallow (looking at you #2).  How about we try this again:

1. Continue to live mindfully and cultivate a positive attitude every day.

2. Make the nutrition and exercise changes necessary to lose 50 lb.  Have fun.  Don’t stop when things get hard.  Mix things up when they aren’t working or get boring.  Keep the big picture in mind at all times.

3. Build on my own transformation to get others on the same path, and serve at the same time as I earn income from this. And in the meantime, do everything I need to to get myself the tools and space I need to make this happen.

So, yeah.  I’m going to be relentless.  I’m not going to quit.  And I’m not going to give up if I stumble.

Stairs

Feeling Sassy.

I’ll be up front with you all.  I’ve been on a roller coast of emotions for the last 6 months.  It hasn’t been pretty at times.  If I had known what I was in for when I decided to go off The Pill and go with Natural Medicine, I’m not sure if I would have thought it was worth it.  I do think it is though.

I’ve been having normal periods on my new plan.  I take herbs and I get customized intramuscular shots twice a week.  A test result showed I am deficient in inositol and I think that the supplementation has made a difference.  I feel good – I have more energy.  I have periods but they aren’t heavy like they were pre Pill.  The only thing that I’m having trouble managing is my emotions.

It’s a tricky thing for me.  On the one hand – I’m really emotional anyway.  I’ve been known to cry during a musical montage on a TV crime drama.  I’ve started crying when having difficult conversations with professors.  Bosses.  I didn’t look very professional.  Premenstrually, it was always worse.  I’d cry because my husband wouldn’t have lunch with me.  I’d cry because I heard a sad UB40 song.

On the other hand – I’m on antidepressants.  Most of the time, I’m not able to access my emotions when I want.  It keeps me from getting too low, but it also keeps me from getting too happy.  Sometimes I’m laughing and smiling on the inside but it’s resting bitchy face on the exterior.  Sometimes my insides are on the spin cycle and I just need to have a good cry and make it work.  But at the given time, my neurotransmitters decline that invitation, so I stay bottled up.

I never seem to have a hard time with the anger emotion.

Since being off The Pill and treating my PCOS naturally, I’m not getting typical about-to-start-my-period blues.  I get unexpectedly blindsided by a small rebuff.  It sends me in to a 3 day stupor of feeling like shit. I wake up on a seemingly random day and want to punch everyone in the esophagus.  I feel irritated, like my skin is too tight.  Nothing makes me happy.  Then, poof, it’s over.  Instead of having the feeling that someone is running my body and I’m a passenger, it’s more like I’m getting tossed around in the storm with little awareness to what’s going on until it has passed.

However, today I’m feeling Sassy.

SassyLaurie

I’m taking my moods and my symptoms with a period app, because, well, there is an app for everything.  Let’s see if I can figure out some sort of pattern to the madness.  I’ve added some moods and symptoms and Sassy is one of them.

Feeling Sassy is a good one.  My filter pretty much didn’t exist today and I was freaking hilarious.  I had swagger.  My hair was on point.  My makeup – really good.  My workout was over first thing in the morning and I felt like a champion the whole rest of the day because of it.

I’ll take feeling Sassy over sad or mad.