Maybe I Don’t Hate Bicycles

The whole triathlon thing?  Yeah, it’s still my BIG goal.  I can swim very well.  I haven’t mastered open water swimming in the surf, but I’m a strong swimmer and I know it’s very much something I’ll be able to do.  I’m not the best runner, but I can do it.  I can do the distance.  Well, I can do 6 miles.  Let’s work on the rest.

I can ride a bike.  I mastered that at age 5.  Biking as an adult, knowing the danger, I don’t know, I think I’m a little afraid.  So I haven’t been doing much biking.  I make excuses.  I do other stuff.  I really hate shifting.  It feels weird, it sounds weird.  Cars are scary.

I did some indoor biking this year with my trainer.  I just mashed the pedals.  I put the resistance on, I suffered through the butt pain and I pushed.  I went for time, I went for cadence, I went for calorie burn.  I stood up when I couldn’t stand the butt pain anymore.  I hated every single moment of it.

So I wasn’t too excited about Spin class when my friend wanted to go.  But, I’m a good friend and I went.  When the instructor helped me adjust the bike settings, I knew it was going to be better than I thought.  All my joints lined up.  As soon as class started I knew things would be different.

The music was inspiring and the giant tour of San Francisco kept my eyes satisfied.  The class really got my senses excited and also satiated.  The whole class didn’t fly by.  It was hard.  It was work, but I enjoyed it anyway.  And afterward I got the endorphin high.  THE ENDORPHIN HIGH!  I never get it!  It’s fabulous.

My kick ass instructor, Sharon!

My kick ass instructor, Sharon!

I’ve been able to go two other times and it was equally as great.  And so was the endorphins.  I’m planning to go on my last week in Portland. And then I’m planning to go at my gym in San Diego.  It’s a completely different kind of workout.  And I think the switch up is just want I need right now.

Things have been tough in the last couple weeks.  The spin classes have been just what I needed.  Along with yoga and long walks.  I’m in a good place.

So maybe I’m not a biking goddess, but maybe I can do this after all.

Speed bumps happen to the best of us.

I’m at home in Maine for awhile.  All in all, this trip is lasting 3 weeks.  It’s been really hard at times to live across the country from friends, family, and where I grew up.  I’m more and more of a Californian every day, but I am still a Maine girl.  Definitely one of the biggest reasons that I am a Beachbody Coach is so that I can have the flexibility to be somewhere other than home in San Diego and still do my job.  My parents are getting older.  My friends have kids I want to know.  Social media lets us maintain relationships with people we knew in our pasts that we want to keep building.

Heading up for a walk.

Heading up for a walk.

I thought I prepared so well for this trip.  I packed plenty of clothes (probably too many).  I brought stuff to work out in. I brought a bunch of Beachbody program DVDs.  I brought tons of Shakeology.  I brought the new Beachbody Performance sample pack.  I fully intended to do my business from wherever I was.

Guess what?  $hit happens. I haven’t been on the ball.  I’ve managed some great walks and I’ve been to spin classes, but I haven’t been able to work my program remotely.  If it’s not a DVD player that isn’t hooked up, it’s a TV that’s in constant use for crime dramas.  These speed bumps don’t add up to much more than excuses and yet here they are.

Without getting in to much detail, there’s been some pretty heavy stuff going on with my family.  I’m dealing with it as best I can, but I have found myself sliding back into some dark places and some bad habits.  My disordered eating has been scratching at my brain.  It’s a comforting way to deal with stressors.  Only, it’s not that comforting. I see the patterns starting to form and this has been the first day I’ve been able to successfully pull the brakes on it.  No doubt, by telling 2 people close to me about it, separately, it made it real and it made my brain wake up a little.

I can only change what’s happening now and I can only try my best and set myself up for good things down the road.  I think that it means, I need to leave my time with my parents and get to a more neutral space where I can map out my own plan for the rest of my time here.  I need to not fall apart.

I accept, whole heartedly, than I am not perfect.  This isn’t any more than most people handle.  I can do this. I just have to remind myself of it and get on the right track.

My number one priority in life is my health.  MY HEALTH. I need to serve that priority in everything I do.

Being Relentless

“Relentless.”

A friend I’ve known for the last 18 years described me as relentless a while back.  I felt like it was an incredibly flattering compliment, but in the back of my mind I felt like it was false.  Because I’m a quitter.

It’s easy to get obsessed with all the wrong turns you’ve taken and all the projects you didn’t finish.  And that’s what I pretty much equated my definition of success to.  Many times I’ve done the wrong thing and I’ve abandoned things I really wanted to work.  I can find examples in my personal life, in my professional career, in my education.  But the worst of it is how many times I’ve let myself down.

We’ve all heard about S.M.A.R.T. goals.  I know, it’s not sexy. But when I have goals, they are usually not SMART in any sense.  They are vague and intangible and things I don’t have a lot of planning sunk in to.  Just little, “wouldn’t it be nice” thoughts.  Well, of course I’m not going to be able to finish that shit!  I have no idea what it even is.

Also – I’m scared to death of letting myself down.  That’s ironic considering how much I’ve actually done it.  So scratch that – I think I’m actually scared of getting success.  Why? Because I probably feel like I don’t deserve it.

At this point, I need to take my own advice and become my own best friend, my own coach, my own cheerleader.  Of course I deserve it.  I deserve to chase every goal and grab it with both hands.  My top 3 pursuits in the past year have been:

1. Be happy.

2. Lose weight.

3. Make an income.

Admirable, vague, and really shallow (looking at you #2).  How about we try this again:

1. Continue to live mindfully and cultivate a positive attitude every day.

2. Make the nutrition and exercise changes necessary to lose 50 lb.  Have fun.  Don’t stop when things get hard.  Mix things up when they aren’t working or get boring.  Keep the big picture in mind at all times.

3. Build on my own transformation to get others on the same path, and serve at the same time as I earn income from this. And in the meantime, do everything I need to to get myself the tools and space I need to make this happen.

So, yeah.  I’m going to be relentless.  I’m not going to quit.  And I’m not going to give up if I stumble.

Stairs

When You Don’t Reach a Goal.

I’ve always been a bit afraid of setting goals.  As a perfectionist child, I never wanted to let anyone down. If I made a promise, I kept it.  If I didn’t, I felt terrible.  Goals were always promises I made.  Promises to myself, promises to those around me… it didn’t really matter.  I’ve been encouraged to set goals, and so I’ve tried.  Honestly, most of the time I have no idea where to start.

One year ago I found myself at Beachbody Summit in Las Vegas, staring down a giant wall that said “Never Give Up.”  We could write our goals down.  Since I was overcome by the high of being in a convention center of pure blissful awesomeness, I wrote my goal.  I’ll share it with you now.

IMG_1669

Well, here it is a year later and I have to tell you where I’m at with those goals.  I haven’t lost 50 lb.  That’s probably the biggest one for me.  My health is my #1 priority.  I wanted to make that goal happen tremendously badly.

I am not a Diamond Coach.  I’m a solid Emerald.  If you aren’t in the Beachbody world that doesn’t mean a lot to you.  Basically, I haven’t moved my business forward much at all since this time last year.  Overall, I have fewer coaches in my little team, and they are less involved overall.  I haven’t been a leader to get them on their way and I haven’t inspired new people to join my team.

Not giving up anytime, ever.  This one, I feel like I kept.  Initially I felt like I must have given up because my forward momentum stalled.  But here’s the thing.  I’m still here.  I’m going to Summit again.  I’m still a coach.  I’m still working the Beachbody programs for myself and for others.  I’m still passionate about this company.  I still feel like it’s the place where I can do the most good.

I joined a DietBet over a month ago.  I present to you the results on this Transformation Tuesday.

weighinedited

Well, as you can tell by my hands – it wasn’t a moment of victory.  I had 1 month to lose 4% of my body weight.  I thought it would be easy.  I put $30 on the line.  I think I ended up a few tenths of a pound away from my initial weight in.  I even ran 6 freaking miles a couple days before!

You can’t be shocked when you don’t make your goals.  Writing them down doesn’t magically infuse them into existence.  I wish it worked like that.  They are also not promises I didn’t keep.  They were goals that didn’t get reached because honestly, I didn’t have a plan.  I had a half assed plan that I half assed executed.  So that was a total quarter assed plan.  Of course I’m not going to reach goals if I quarter ass them!

So I’m going to write some new goals tonight.  They aren’t just going to be whispers into the silence of the night.  I am going to write them down and immediately start coming up with a plan.  I’m going to include ways to stay accountable.  I’m not going to freak out if I get off track.  I’m going to adjust accordingly.  I’m not going to make the goals easy so that they will be no sweat to make.  I’m not going to make them too difficult.  I’m going to make realistic goals that genuinely resonate with me and get me further down the path I want to be at in my life.

Watch out for a future blog post titled: “What to Do When You Absolutely Crush Your Goals.

Digging out of the hole.

I’ve had a pretty rough couple of weeks.  I’ve mentally felt pretty damn terrible.  It isn’t the way I normally feel nowadays, so it was very strange.  But, it kicked me hard and it felt nearly impossible to get out of.

Climbershandholding

There are reasons for sure. I had a few arguments with my partner.  I was frustrated that the large goals I had set for myself and my business weren’t really working out.  I had no momentum going. I am in month 4 of being off the Pill. I had finished up 21 days of restrictive eating.  I wasn’t getting shit done, and I knew it. I had taken a long, harsh look at some things that are very important in my life and I entertained the thoughts that they may not be what I had thought they were.

I have dysthymia.  I was probably born with it.  I live with it everyday.  Basically, dysthymia is chronic depression.  My normal state is like Eeyore, I guess you could say. I cultivate a very careful positive bubble around myself to protect me.  Sometimes that bubble is a little Pollyannaish.  Sometimes that works, and some times it doesn’t.  Instead of denying, I let myself feel a little bit of the sting.  It sucked me down a little bit.

This is what I learned this time around: I was in a hole.  There actually is no getting out of the hole that is dysthymia.  I’m going to have to live with this for the rest of my life. I’m always going to climbing, I’ll probably never see the real top. The measures I take to dig out are important.  I will always have to be the one climbing.  I can use tools, like medication, therapy, positivity, environment to make things a little better.  But these won’t be solutions, just safety measures in case I start to fall.  I won’t fall as far.  I can have as many safety lines as possible, but I’ll always be doing the work.

So, this is also an apology for the people I picked fights with these last few weeks.  The people I ignored. The people I hid from. The people I obviously lied to when I said I was fine. The people I turned away from when I felt like the tears started to well up.  This is a thank you for the people who let me randomly text them and vent.  The friends that took my phone calls.  The people who dished out a serving of REAL.  Maybe the past few weeks happened because of dysthymia and circumstances, but in the end, it was the way I reacted to things that made them suck.  Understanding of the big picture is going to help me get better at dealing with these little drops.  They are going to happen.  Life happens.  Shit happens.  I just have to make sure I can still climb upward despite everything.

Ever thought about Coaching?

Can you spot me?

Can you spot me?

I became a coach because I wanted the discount.

I decided to try COACHING because I needed a way to make a little extra money.

I continued to be a coach because I saw I impacted other people.

I thrived being a coach because it changed ME.

I celebrate being a coach because it’s opened up a whole different world for me and I’d love to see as many people in my life as possible take a look at it.

Now you can. My team is offering a SNEAK PEEK next week. It’s just 4 days long, you can review everything on your own time and see what it’s about. No obligation. If you’ve ever been curious about this thing I do, you need to send me a message and I’ll get you in.